L&L and Challenging Parents

This past summer a group of colleagues went to Colorado to a conference at the Love and Logic Institute. We have had monthly staff development mornings where they introduce a skill that we could put to use right away. Recently we had a morning where they talked about having success with challenging parents. As we all have had experience with parents, some of us have had good ones and some of us have had "challenging" ones. The article compared dealing with parents in the same ways people deal with death and the five stages of they go through. I had never looked at dealing with parents in this type of way. Here are some highlights of the techniques our fellow teachers shared with us.

Denial

Parents may say things like "We don't have these problems at home." "Not my child. What were the others doing?"

Anger

Parents may things like; " If you knew how to teach, he wouldn't be having these problems." "You'll be hearing from our lawyer!"

Bargaining

At this stage, many parents begin to admit that there is a problem yet search for some type of "quick fix."

Depression

Understandably, they begin to feel very sad and hopeless when these treatments don't solve the problem. We often hear them say, "We've tried everything, and nothing works!"

Acceptance

At this final stage, parents begin to understand that their child's problem is a real one that isn't going to be solved with quick fixes. They also come to a point where they can love their child for who he/she is...not who they want them to become.

The techniques that the teachers shared was in the form of an acronym PARENTS.

P - practice preventative relationship building. Using "one sentence interventions" and contacting parents before their is a problem and share something positive with them.

A - ask for permission to describe your concerns "May I describe?" works better than "Let me tell you..."

R - remember that underlying the parent's anger are feelings of grief and loss. Don't make the parent's reaction personal. (Hardest one for me). I recently used a line with a difficult student and parent that, "I want to help" and "here is what I can do to help..."

E - end any attempts to give good factual information. Here are some things you can say when you feel stumped: How long have you felt this way. Tell me more. What would you like to see here? Help me understand.

N - note-taking has many benefits. Take notes on your current conversation so you can repeat what they say back to them. This allows for the parents to hear what they are asking from you and how they are coming across.

T - test the parent to see if they are calm enough to hear your thoughts, simply ask, "Would you like to hear my ideas?"

S - solve the problem, must show the parents that you care!!

Hopefully reading this might trigger some connections and maybe give you some new ideas on how to approach parents and the difficulties with dealing with them sometimes.